Best Thing You Never Had

Okay, well maybe you did “have” me but you don’t no more.

It all started in high school — siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Junior year I crossed a boy in the hallways and then we sat next to each other in History class. I thought he talked too much; handsome, but quite a chatterbox. Then, one day after lunch, I see him holding hands with this girl. She was cute. Simple. However, the hunting lioness in me saw competition determined to best – the best thing you never had.

I Wanted to be His E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

He added me on Facebook first. Then we exchanged numbers. I initiated conversations through text him. I asked questions about his relationship and plans after graduation. School started at 7:30 am and I would wake up early ya’ll to get cute just to walk past his ass. How could I forget the time I found out where he worked that I drove there after school; wrong site. Eventually, I got him. He wasn’t mine but he was there.

Oh, College…

It wasn’t until I moved into a single room dorm that we had our first encounter. It was actually in a car on dim street and it was the first time THEY said MY name. Kudos to Brittney! We started to make time for love sessions in between classes (he went to a different school). We discussed our feelings with each other and how it was always the wrong time: he was with somebody; I was with somebody. Although we both tried it was never right until…

He Asked Me Out!!!

Perfect timing! He’s single! I’m single! Let’s mingle! We planned to meet at the mall for a movie after his shift. At this time it is crucial to point out he also worked in the said mall. I got dressed, snatched, beat — all dat. “Where are you going?” my mother asked. “On a date! Yes, with a man!” Oh, she was so happy for me. I checked my phone one last time before grabbing my coat and I had a message that read: “hey I got off work early so I went home. Let’s reschedule.” Fuck you mean you meant home??? Devastated I lied and told him I was out-of-town when I wasn’t leaving for another 4. How could he?

Call me Mrs.Lawry cause I’m Salty

At this time in my life, I was still very emotional. Sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, and anger flooded me. It also killed my ego. While undressing I began to analyze the situation: the movie starts at 11; mall closes at 10; he got off early at 9. Why not go home, shower and come back, right? How come we couldn’t catch any earlier viewing to accommodate? Was work really that stressful today? Was I not worth the ride back to the mall? I commanded myself not to cry. Instead, I finished packing, laid in my bed, packed a bowl and streamed Nurse Jackie on Netflix.

The Aftermath

We didn’t speak for a long time after that because I couldn’t bring myself to engage. I still have fucking questions! Through mutual friends we would be in the same room talking around each other; it was stupid. He will always be a dear friend of mine; we have memories but it’ll never be the same. We hung out solo a couple times but it’s awkward now. Just this morning he hit me up on Messenger to ask if I were now involved which I am _____. To this day it continues to bother me and I’m not gonna lie — I cried after we finished talking. You folded on a Royal Flush.

#SorrynotSorry.

Photo cred: giphy.com

 

For The Next Time a Black Man says, “You’re Too Strong”

You Are Not “Too” Strong 

He is “too” weak – mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Dare I say financially? Fuck it.

He’s just all around broke. Broken.

Still trying to make sense of all his scattered shards that all he’s collected is doubt and pity. For the feeble man, you will always be “too” strong.

“All you women…All you [BLACK] women!”

Oh boy, here it comes! The moment we have all been waiting for! Blame the very existence of Black women for your trials and tribulations. Stop comparing yourself to the pale man who steals, kills and destroys. You aren’t him and I ain’t her.

How dare you slander her, Black man?! She who has remained steadfast and diligent as she watched this strange white man steal her children, kill her husband and destroy her virtue? She earned the right to be strong.

You say you want a hardworking strong woman but you do not! A woman who cooks and cleans; fulfills your sexual desires and works outside the home. You insecurities won’t allow you to love her.

You, sir — don’t cook, clean, pay taxes nor feed my appetite and yet I’m still here.

Technically you’re still here because this Sistah ain’t going nowhere.

[That’s my name on the mailbox, brother]

Yet you feel you should be rewarded for taking out the trash?

How are you comfortable pointing out my flaws and stressing your likes whilst lying on my couch; drinking my Scotch, watching my Netflix!

No; I will not chill!

You got clothes in my closet, my keys in your pocket, his half of my bed — but, hold up! “Lemme hold $20”, the man said. You work hard at running your mouth and the streets then walk through my doors talmbout, “what you got to eat?”

When a black man condemns a Black woman he disgraces Yah resulting in complete failure and disasters. Keep playing this white man’s game and your black ass gon lose.

Sit down. Be Humble.

By: Brittney Smith
Photo Cred: fromawildflower.com

There’s No Such Thing as “Two Best Friends”

It’s Too Early For This Shit

It’s pretty self-explanatory but let me explain: Now that you all are aware of the significant other in my life, and I can openly discuss us, this morning he called and I immediately asked about yesterday because we didn’t get a chance to speak. He said that it was chill and he talked to his best friend. Excuse me, who? Last night, on a fairly empty stomach – I had drunk 10 ounces of 1800 and wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly as his called did just wake me up.

“Say that again,” I replied.

“I said it was good and I talked to my best friend,” he repeated.

“Ooh! Just say it say for me one more time, please.”

He’s starting to catch on.

No Such Thing As “Two Best Friends”

At this point, he feels the draft of my shade.

“What are you trying to get at?” he asked.

“We didn’t talk yesterday soooo…who’s this best friend?”

“I can have more than one.”

Where is the emergency brake when you need it! No, you cannot! You can’t have multiple best friends because we can’t ALL be the best. Here this man is telling me that I’m just a member of a mediocre circle of friends who are all generally “good”. Completely unacceptable.

Let Me Tell You Why

“Is it a girl?” because at this point I just gotta know who the best is, you feel me?

“Yeah, she’s funny.”

Just like that; so blasé as if I had just asked if the sky was blue. Consequently, my Petty-O-Meter as been activated.

“If y’all getting along so great – why y’all not together?” Straight Savage.

“It’s not like that. We from the streets together”.

He should have been a gravedigger the way he’s burying himself. I certainly feel like my gangsta is now in question.

“I’m just saying – you don’t have any boys you can go hoop with it. Why she gotta be the best?”

Two Best Friends Leads to Jealousy

In this case, we have two issues. If you have a best friend and they introduce you to their other friend you automatically are on the defense. You speculate on their inside jokes. Do they sleepover at each other houses? Do they watch the Golden Girls together?  It’s a horrible and appalling feeling to know that YOUR bff is “bff-ing” with someone else.

Yet, when you are in a relationship and they exclaim that their best friend is of the opposite sex it’s a whole other playing field. It’s no longer a matter of which television shows they binge-watch together. Instead, you contemplate as to whether or not one day the appetite craves for something different. Do you talk to her about me? Does she know my secrets?

Maybe it’s just me but the thought that one day he could see in her what he sees in me what I see in him potentially has the power to ruin me. And it’s not just this girl but any girl. I’ve yet to meet her, of course, someday I will but for now, I have to trust him when he says,

“It’s not like that.”

Photo Cred: Giphy.com

Don’t Hurt Yourself

Don’t Hurt Yourself

Yesterday, the person whom I have been “involved with” struck me – yes, struck –  for the first time. It had something to do with $10 and a bottle of whisky Satan’s Sauce. I was a woman with drive, dreams, and goals before he and I crossed paths. Now that I’m back to traveling alone I think I see a pot of gold glistening off the horizon that was once shadowed by fog, bitterness, and insecurity. I was always, at times, completely aware of the venom that he was inducing in me but it was all worth the orgasm. Don’t hurt yourself, B.

Time Waits For No Man

As I reflect on all the precious, non-refundable time spent with this person it’s schizo how I didn’t trust myself to end it. You see, I was in cahoots with another gentleman caller. At that time I had already mastered the Waltz and wanted to learn to Cha-Cha. We were terrible dance partners and assumed we would eventually nail the routine. Ironic how all I want to nail is his coffin; the only dance we will ever again jive to is “Russian Roulette”.

Only One Bullet is Required

At any rate I’m trying to figure out how to dance on my own – comfortably. The first step is getting back to the person I was before I met him. The version of me that was exercising, cooking at home and flowing spiritually. He was never a component in the equation that which is my future. I always knew that he wasn’t the one even way before he broke the damn door down. I’ll admit that I was willing to crash for the sake of debunking the mystery man who always carried a backpack.

Journey Back to Self

Never underestimate the power of loneliness. Every non-family member person I know has stumbled into my life and just stuck. All my life it’s just been me: no boyfriend, fiancé or baby daddy. All it takes is a decent looking fellow to tell you how decent you look. God forbid you to have low confidence and will tolerate anything to be seen. All any of us can hope to do is tell our personal truth but to be frank there are times where our truth is nothing more than our own: no one else cares because they have their own to tend to. My truth? Just know that you didn’t hurt me. You, sir, have hurt yourself.

You came for me – I returned to sender.

Photo Cred: giphy.com

 

 

 

Did He Just Ask for His Money Back?

How would you feel if a man asked for his money back after a date? I feel like he ain’t shit.

Today on The Real ‘Girl Chat’ opened up with the tale from Lauren Crouch of nobaddatesonlygoodstories on Tumblr. I did a quick Google search, found her blog and sipped tea directly from the kettle (they didn’t get the story right):

She met with a guy from Tinder at a coffee shop. He invites her back to his apartment for “dinner” – penis à la carte. She rejected Fabio because what kind of woman eagerly goes home with a man she just met 32 minutes ago? Knowing that he has lost the battle they part ways. But then he texts her….

*DUN DUN DUN*

He said it was lovely meeting her and that they should do it again. At his house. For dinner. After two and a half hours she admits there wasn’t any chemistry so there will be no next time. Yo, he asked for his money back! Said he doesn’t like to waste money and he could use that again on another date. In the words of Lauren, “I don’t come with a money back guarantee!”#PettyWap

She was wrong, though, to sit through the entire date KNOWING that they didn’t have any chemistry. We, women, know on-sight whether it’s going down with you. To sit that long with someone who you see no future or tomorrow with makes you just as wack. Know when it’s time to go! I’m not about to sit here and waste my time – it’s as precious as Gabourey.

That reminded me of that one time I had to make an exit on that ass:

He kept calling me! Kept calling – kept calling. I never answered the phone or responded to a text because I didn’t care. This dude was trying to flex from the moment he asked me my name. Needless to say, we exchanged numbers and after two months of phone “tag” we met up. I got lit before I left because what if I didn’t enjoy myself and needed to be headed out?

Of course, I was right! We met downtown for happy hour! I asked him where he would like to go and he hadn’t thought that far ahead – strike one. I decide on a bar, we take our seats and survey the menu. After 8 minutes he pipes up, “I don’t eat any of this food.”

“So, you telling me you don’t eat chicken, burgers, pizza, salad, burritos, sandwiches?” I asked

“Nah”

“What do you eat?”

“I eat healthily.” – strike two; you ain’t gotta lie to kick it. Claiming to eat healthily but you over here looking like Rick Ross before the pears. I’m irritated y’all. Now the waitress has arrived to take our orders. Being classy I ordered a glass of house red because my high was dragged down and I needed a pick-me-up.

He orders water. When the waitress leaves he says,

“You know I don’t drink or smoke either.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

How can you not do either of the two? And here he goes lying again. Lips as black as Flavor Flav and you don’t smoke? C’mon Craig. The waitress has returned with my glass and I’m forty percent interested in the dude.

I’m praying to the heavens that once this liquor penetrates my system I won’t be so… ah – sober.

“Tell me about yourself,” I say.

“What do you want to know?”

“Where are you from, where do you live, how many siblings do you have?” I need to find a way to turn this around immediately.

“That’s a lot don’t ya think?”

“No. Not at all. Why are we here if we aren’t trying to get to know each other?”

He’s giving me the eye as if I just questioned his condom size.

“Well you know I’m a bouncer and I don’t like to let ugly girls in and I actually don’t particularly care for people who come from St. Paul,” he replied.

“Didn’t I meet you in Saint Paul? On the bus? And this conversation is not stimulating at all,” I spat.

“Yeah, but the people are so fake and broke. Ya know they wear fake jewelry and clothes. That never happens over in Minneapolis.”

Strike three. Our waitress has returned to take our orders but I had to tell her to fallback for hot minute cause I am o-v-e-r this shit. “Considering you’re opposed to the food in this fine establishment and don’t drink, I believe this here is where I leave you.  I’m just gonna take my wine over to another table and hope you have a pleasant day.”

He just sat there. Confused. In Awe. Disbelief. Now he has to regain his pride so he hits me with,

“I hope you don’t think I’m supposed to cry about it or be sad.”

“Quite frankly, sir, I don’t give a damn what you do or how you do it. This is ain’t for me.”

Bye Felicia.

Photo Cred: giphy.com

 

Well Wishes to My Opposition 

Pray for Em

One of the worst things that could ever happen to a woman is running into her ex. Proper ex-lover protocol is something that we should be passing along to our daughters because it is inevitable. See, when you run into the past make sure that you are F’d up! Fierce, Fly and Fashionable. When you meet that fool again the last thing you need is for him to see you in sweats, a crumbled t-shirt from the hamper, flyaways and disarray eyebrows. I can’t be caught out here slipping. Well wishes to my opposition.

The Warm-Up

True story: I was pulling into Best Buy and became aware of Mitch* entering the same building. I noticed he gained all the weight I lost, needed a haircut and pushed a fashionable stroller. Children are popular items among my dearly departed’s. I didn’t get a good look at his co-captain but she’s irrelevant to the story. However, I did notice her backside where I still won that contest 💁🏽. Once I parked, I quickly sent a snapchat message to my dear friend (shout out to you girl) to let her know what I was about to encounter. I took a deep breath, checked my teeth, glanced over my clothes for stray dog hairs and trekked on.

Upon entering the premises I surveyed the floor to spy his location. After clocking in on the target, I then spoke with an associate about my primary concern and then opted to “look around” while they took a deeper look at things. With my buzzer in tow, I doubled back behind the appliance department and braced myself before I was to walk past him.

ShowTime!!

Freakishly, I checked my appearance in the reflection of a microwave, reposition my breasts for more cleavage and then served life to the opposition. It was such perfect timing as he turned around facing my direction just as I pitted the corner. I could feel his eyes on my ass. You know, your girl B was tight and right, face beat and brows on point.

I walked over to the phone department and just who do I see of my side of the store? Mitchell! I didn’t dare keep my gaze because I was sure that would lead to eye contact. Ain’t nobody got time for that. My buzzer buzzed, my issues were solved and I left.

Back in my car, I patted myself on the back for being moi and drove off.

Next time I run into an ex, I’ll strut over, make small talk, flip my hair, turn to their concubine and extend my hand:

      “Hi, my name is Brittney.”

Photo cred:giphy.com
*Names have been changed

#Relationship Goals

Decrees of Monogamy

Why are relationships failing these days? One minute you’re in love, filled with itty-bitty balls of sunshine next your sulking in the corner, feeling sorry for yourself. It’s because they failed to practice the four fundamentals that secure longevity, monogamy, and happiness. I am so unbothered by your followers and filters. Are you an honest person? Can I trust you? Is there intimacy? Are you ready to commit? What are your relationship goals?

Honesty

If I no longer trust you it is because you have been dishonest. Why lie? Either you did or did not. It is or it ain’t. Also, be very aware of the difference between trust and honesty. Trust stems from honesty as something you build over time through communication and faithfulness. To be honest is a characteristic one must possess internally as it is a choice. When you are dishonest in your relationship you are no longer worthy of trust.

Trust

Don’t be the woman trolling through his phone whenever he dips into the bathroom~Stop talking Facebook checking for mutuals~Never lay next to a man you can’t trust

Girlfriend, it is a waste of time and sure to give you wrinkles. Why don’t you have the password? Obviously he is doing something that you are not meant to be made aware of, right? Now you have to ask, do you trust him and determine whether or not he trusts you. This is not to say that you are thereby authorized to his call log but why he is dipping into the other room to answer the phone? First things first: why are you even with a man that prompts you to do all of this things in the first place? Something is seriously off in this relationship, wouldn’t you say?

“They don’t want the truth. They can’t haaandle the truth.” Have a seat. This may be tired but please, look me in my eye and offend me with the truth than to ever let me walk about living a lie. Are you working late and not getting worked on? When I become aware that I can longer trust you then I trust me enough to move the hell on; I know that I will never disappoint myself.

Intimacy

I cannot stress this enough: sex does NOT equate to intimacy. To be intimate with someone encourages a spiritual connection and creates a foundation of wellness within another person. The majority of people are daunted by the chances of rejection that they miss the opportunity to connect with another human being. Have you ever had someone run you a hot, steamy bath after a long days work and just watch you bathe? The ultimate beauty of intimacy is that it is not synonymous with nakedness.  Take a pottery class together, enjoy long bike rides to nowhere, or hold hands while watching a movie. Anybody can remove their clothes, lay down and engage but dare to be vulnerable.

Commitment

Are you present in your relationship? To be in a relationship you need to be dedicated and alert because they are hard work! If you aren’t prepared, or willing, to put in the time and effort perhaps now is not a good time to sign up. Nobody wants a part-time lover! This is a salaried position that requires you to work nights, weekends, holidays and overtime. You ever heard of somebody taking a sick or vacation day from a relationship? — Me neither.

It is also vital that you pay attention to the energy surrounding your relationship. Did you forget an important date? Has he been distant? Are you holding frustrations hostage? Commit to being a good friend, a good listener with the intent to understand and selflessness.

All-in-All

Every relationship and its ruling vary upon the understanding that was established and pre-negotiated at the beginning of the courtship. What works for me and mine may not be suitable for you and yours, and that’s okay. **Remember to take the time for little things for when you start slipping somebody will be waiting to slide.

Photo Cred:projecthbw.ku.edu

10 Things I Want to Say to a Black Man

 

10 Things I Want to Say to a Black Man

  1. Black Man; You are the most ingenious individual to take presence in the realm of the universe. Take a minute to reflect on what type of world we would be living in had it not been for your theories to correct, develop, innovate, refine and transform the world. The leadership that ripples through your veins is the equivalent to many that came before you. For when I look at you I see the power of your thoughts through your eyes like Martin, I read the dominance in your conscious mind through your smile like Malcolm and I hear the charismatic melody of your words through your soul like Barack.
  2. You are my best friend. You accept me for my puzzled state of mind and concentrate on what makes me incomparable.
  3. I need you to comfort me at times when I don’t know what to do with myself or who I am supposed to be for you. I cherish your confirmation in which your mind, body and soul belong to me. For you to reassure me that at every step in our journey that you are legitimate and that your desire for me is undeniable.
  4. I recognize your battle in which you endure every day in society. However it does not justify your actions. Be able to take your animosity and turn it into something delicate. Being a man does not indicate that you cannot show compassion or makes you less of a person with authority. There is strength in your delivery and there is nothing further you can express to me that would ever make me see you as less than what you are.
  5. Protection is what you mean to me. When I’m alone and have nowhere else to go or no one to turn to – you are there to shield me from the dangers and harm of the outside world. In your arms is where I feel the most sheltered. The potency of your frame and the compassion in your hands gives me everything I need to know that I will be okay.
  6. I commit my body, my heart, my mind and my soul unto you. I give you my life and would be forever grateful if I could have just as much of yours.
  7. I welcome you into my life and will never try to make you more than you are. When are with me I want you to feel as if you can be yourself and never feel like you need to compromise the individual on the interior for the cliché messages of the exterior.
  8. When your body communicates with mine – it’s something like enchanting. The command of your hands, the forcefulness in your thighs and the stamina in your heart keeps the sexual desires between us like no other I’ve ever known. Not another being can deliver the pleasure you give. Your movements take me to a place of euphoria and with every plunge you take inside, I feel our souls intertwine and as I progress into the galaxy of us it is that exact moment in which we become one. As you release yourself into my chambers and place that final kiss across my lips, it is then that you realize that you are at home.
  9. Can you do something for me? Can you promise that you will stop running away from things that you find difficult to deal with? Can you promise that whenever you feel the need to express your thoughts – you will come to me? When things seem to fall apart, address them and examine how you can make the best of the situation. The only feature I ask you do is take responsibility for the actions you construct. When he grows up one day and inquires where you are and why you left, do not make me the antagonist. I can illustrate how to treat a woman but I can never demonstrate for him how to be a man.
  10. The day you looked at me and made your way over as if there was no one else in the room except the two of us and asked me for my name, there was something in your hello that made me catch my breath and take notice of this king before me. When you talked to me your eyes stayed fixed on mine, never wandering over my body but rather trying to find the story within the deep brown that reflected back into yours. After the first date, you walked me to my door in the rain and right before I turned to go inside you grazed my hand and in that touch I felt an electric current that shot bolts from my brain to the bottom of my feet. You put your arms around my waist, I stood on my toes and from the moment our lips first touched – I knew it was love.
Photo Cred:pinterest

Bad Sex? Know When It’s Time to Go!

Be Stingy With Your Vagina

Life is way too short to have bad sex; especially when you know what good is. As much as we know this, women are laying down for a little slice of heaven and ending up with a nugget from hell. Ladies, it’s time to get up! Your body’s sacred and it’s a gift that you give to someone every time you undress. If the deposit is not substantial then you reserve the right to cancel that transaction. Now, I’m going to spill my tea with the hopes that I inspire another woman to know when it’s time to go!

Getting That Old Thing Back

I had once connected with an ex-boyfriend who I hadn’t seen in a long, long time. I got a message on Facebook and we rapped for a while until he gave me his number. We had made plans to see each other later that night after I turned up at the club. In a drunken stupor, thanks to good ‘ol JD, I made the 10-minute drive to my late-night rendezvous and had a very pleasant mid-morning minus the full fledge morning hangover.

Here’s where things went way, way left:

Because I had such a good time (so I thought) we made plans to see each again later that week. We caught up, we laughed, we ate, smoked a doobie and then it was time…

Sex With an Ex? Next, Please!

bad-sex-1-300x238

Somehow the blissful memories of intoxicated ecstasy were abducted by the atrocious, Rasta reality. The sex was hooooooorible! I tried with all my might, y’all,  to make it work and it was a no-go. Without delay, and as politely as I could, I said, “I don’t think this is working out.”

He seemed lost and confused and was ready to try again until I put my put my hand up and said, “may I have a towel, please?” I excused myself to the restroom, cleaned up, got dressed and made my way to the door. He was sitting in the living room waiting for my return as if our time together would continue. In the biggest voice, I could muster out of my 5’3″ body, I looked at the 6’4″ giant and said, “I’m leaving now”. I’m bombarded with questions geared towards my future whereabouts. I did not want to have that conversation about why I was leaving right away so I declined the interview, grabbed my coat and dipped out to never to hear from him again.

Cancel That Shit, Girl!

How many times do you go out on a date, with either an ex or someone new, and always let your best girl know ahead of time that she needs to call you with a made-up emergency when you feel like the date is going all wrong?

First of all, that move is as played out as the Kardashian’s. If the date or the sex is wack: ABORT MISSION. You are not a child and therefore don’t need an excuse from your mother to leave school early. Shawty you confident, chic, sexy and sophisticated. With that being said if the scene is running off script, you gracefully bow out and exit center stage left.

You owe it to yourself to be with your time, energy and body: if you’re not feeling the flow – know when it’s time to get up and go.

Photo Cred:connectionsshow.com

Why Do Women Lie & Say There Are No “Good Men” Left?

WANTED: A single, college-educated male, with a six-figure salary, a home, luxury car, that is visually attractive, muscular, family oriented, honest and good in bed.

There’s not a woman alive that doesn’t have a “Wish List”. Not the wish list that comes with your Target or Macy’s account but a “Man Wish List”. Here lies all the qualifications for your perfect man and you refuse to settle for anything less. Every. Single. Time. you turn around you will hear a woman saying, “It’s not that I can’t find a man but there aren’t any good ones out here”. Lies! Words have power – stop saying that shit!! There are plenty of good men out there!  Perhaps, you girlfriend, are either looking in the wrong places or are too blinded by the wrong things to spot him. Don’t worry – I will get you through this.

First Things First

Ladies, you are doing yourself a disservice thinking with that state of mind. First of all, you’re not perfect – why do you require him? Stop looking for the Knight in Shining Armor because he doesn’t exist and you’re the furthest thing from a Princess. That does not mean you opt for the Pawn simply because the King is unavailable. Instead, focus on what makes the Pawn just as worthy; after the game, the Pawn and King go back into the same box.

Now before you say, “where the hell is the King in a microscopic batch of Pawns” – I know, I know. I’m a Black woman so I know that the cultured, legitimate black male is near the state of endangerment. Far too many are uneducated, unemployed, felons who have used and/or distributed illegal drugs; gay, married or dead.

Don’t Be Basic & Bougie

Ask yourself: Are you name brands only or does the sale rack appeal to you as well? Do you only wear Tom Ford or does the store-wide sale at Old Navy sound good too? That man with an education, career title, salary and 401(k) knows that he is in “serious demand”; he’s thinking, ‘why settle for just Tasha when Keisha, Renée and Michelle are feeling a brother too?’ For every 70 men there are 100 women, so 30 of you are going to be lonely if you choose to only shop at a particular store.

waiting_for_the_perfect_man_10823

I have a beyond beautiful cousin. She and all of her friends have great careers, no children and are very independent. However, they all have profiles on dating sites because they “can’t find men”. Given the women:men ratio, say he didn’t have his Bachelor’s or a Benz. Would it be okay if he drove his Honda to work the 3rd shift at Target? How do you decide what’s on your “Man Wish List” what is more important? That he holds a black card or that he can make you laugh? Every man with a Master’s isn’t family oriented, honest or good in bed. Are you willing to be alone for the rest of your days when you focus more on his decorative packaging and not his soulful content?

The first “Man Wish List” I ever wrote was when I was a teenager – what the hell did I know about relationships and what I needed from a man? Of course, it was a complete and utter disaster. He had to be 6 feet, funny, charismatic, college-bound, car, and oh yes, he must be 17 for “maturity”. BLANK STARE.

You Gon Die Waiting for Prince Charming

Needless to say, I found him, he cheated on me and wasn’t a very nice person. At that moment I realized what was honestly important in finding someone to be with. Ambitious, goal-oriented, intellectual, an immense sense of humor, confident, affectionate and a great listener. That all made him the sexiest man ever regardless if he was closer to my 5’3″ and had a little extra around the middle. It did me no good to have a man who stood 6’3″ at 225 pounds if he didn’t know the difference between  sex and intimacy. It didn’t do me any justice to be with a man who was in a graduate program but had extreme jealousy issues.

My beautiful, single women – don’t ever lower your standards but rather broaden your choice. I mean, really, a nice car is not a standard – it is a preference; that should not always be preferred. Looking for the perfect man? You’ll be perfectly single and have a better chance of locating Waldo.

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Photo cred:www.sheriarowe.com

 

Intimacy Ain’t Always Sex

Sex Ain’t Better Than Love

This morning, I was on Instagram and saw a post that read “Ever stayed JUST because the intimacy was amazing?” First of all, it’s the wording of the question. Sex should never be confused with intimacy because they are not the same thing; living in two completely different zip codes. With the lack of knowledge that so many people have in today’s world, we have to ask just what exactly is sex and intimacy and makes them different?

Let’s start by clearly defining our key terms:

Sex(v) – the act of intercourse.

Intimate(adj) – associated in close personal relations.

Relations(n) – a significant connection between things or people.

And by supplying these basic definitions we have already answered the question, “are they different?”

What is Sex Anyway?

Sex is exactly what it is: sex. No more and no less. As human beings, we are animals and our main goal here on Earth is to reproduce and populate. Religious texts contradict the notion that we are indeed mammals and by design – we have sex. No one tells the dog to only sleep with the female we brought home from the pound for it is in his nature to pounce and in hers to let him get on it. That man you are dealing with is the same way and that’s probably what makes you stay in a relationship longer than you need to. You’re blinded by the sex thinking that it is intimate but if he can’t crack your mind and lay it down on your soul – you need to let it go. Chances are you’re looking for intimacy.

Referring back to our key definitions, clearly, relations and intimacy share a more distinct connection than sex.  When you have a major connection with another human being it usually leads to a relationship, where there will be guaranteed intimate moments due to the closeness of said relations.

Therefore Intimacy Is…

Intimacy is the exchange of energy between souls that which creates the foundation for wellness. It does not begin with the unbuttoning of blouses but rather a phrase or a look. I remember the time my Honey said to me, “what’s wrong and don’t say nothing because I can hear it in your voice – you’re talking lower than usual.” First response, I thought it was creepy but it became one of the most beautiful and intimate things he (and anyone else for that matter) has ever said to me. It means he listens, pays attention and picks up on the very essence of who I am. When you and your significant other are intimate with each other it creates a bond that’s hard to break – it is the art of vulnerability, the true definition of nakedness.

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Now you can certainly partake in fairly decent sex without sharing nouns and adjectives with someone. One night stands are the best example of no-strings-attached sex. Maybe you were just dumped and need a rebound or are just incredibly horny; either way, you’re out on Friday and Mister over by the bar is looking like an uber-fresh slice of Apple Pie à la Mode – indulge in what makes this deliciousness because that man, much like that slice, it’s not something you intend to satisfy yourself with every day. There should be no feelings of remorse or lack of integrity.

Ladies, you’re an animal – be it cub or cougar – and sometimes you just want to get laid. However, throwing caution to the wind, just know that sex without intimacy, much like a one night stand, usually resembles your high school boyfriend who thought he could “beat it up” and make you cum in the same 12 minutes and 35 seconds it takes him.

All-in-all, I never want to see people, especially women confusing the act of sex with the delicacies of intimacy:

Sex is something that you do. Intimacy is the soulful connection between the two.

Photo cred: giphy.com & straightfromthea.com

First Date Deal Breakers

Does such a thing even exist? Deal breakers?

Of course! Typically, we women wait until the relationship is already underway to start checking off our list of deal breakers but if you have a starter kit you can save time, money and face.

Tardiness

First of all, it’s rude as hell to be late on the first date. What took place for you to be late where there was no fair warning? Were Tupac and Biggie skipping down the street, holding hands and singing Kumbaya? It’s completely disrespectful to have a woman get dressed, put on make-up, curl her hair and break out the heels only for you to be late. If he’s late to either pick you up or get to the restaurant, ladies, it could be a sign that he’s irresponsible and inconsiderate.

Poor Hygiene

Considering how you were late in the first place there is no excuse for you to be funky! Be it bad breath, uncombed hair, wrinkly clothes or you just stank – you are not the guy for me. Fellas put effort into your appearance! We don’t need to look like Kim and Kanye sitting front row at Givenchy but don’t show up looking like Jaden Smith, smelling like too much teen spirit either. I showered for you so I expect the same back in return.

Checking Your Timeline

If they haven’t hacked Jay Z’s cloud and released naked pictures of Beyoncé, it can wait.

No Chemistry

First dates are like introductions; prologues to what could be an epic love story. However, if there is no chemistry on the first date you can guarantee that there won’t be much more on the second. Let’s not sit through another painful night of dinner only to find out that outside of the physical, we have nothing.

Sloppy Drunk

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Don’t do it. You look like a dick.

Not Paying

Rule # 1: If he asks you out, he must pay! No exceptions. “Well, what about splitting the bill?” Maybe on the second date but that’s probably not going to ever take place in this lifetime. You entered my world and asked me to meet you somewhere  – thou shall payeth. I could have stayed at home for free where there’s no doubt that I will have a much better time.

What are your first date deal breakers? Lemme know with a comment!

Photo cred:singlemommyfiles.com

Love Living Single

10 Ways to Love Living Single

50 years ago, our grandmother’s were getting married at the ripe old age of 17 and handing their lives off to their husbands. They never got the opportunity to live for themselves and be phenomenal women. My great-grandmother married at 14 and had a soccer team of children – granted grandma was ultra fly back in her day but she was still a wife and a mother. There was still a husband to entertain and snot-nosed children to tend to.

Ever single woman owns a drop dead gorgeous, sexy, steaming hot freakum dress. When you put this dress on you are the most desirable woman on the planet and you know it, girl! Social Networking apps like “Meet Up” can introduce you local single’s mixers where your dress will have you turning heads and breaking necks. You look hot, you’re a free agent and could get lucky tonight.

Now in 2014, women are stressing themselves out to find the perfect man and live happily ever after with 2.5 kids, a dog named ‘Happy’ and a white picket fence. Don’t give in to society girlfriend: we all want to be married, but there are reasons to enjoy being single and I got 10 ways to help you do it; seriously, live it up; your grandmother would want you to love living single.

Only One Vanity in My Bathroom

Make-up, extensions, and perfume, oh my! Every single gal’s bathroom is a complete and utter disaster but then again, who wants to sacrifice essential counter space for a male counterpart? Your curl wand is where his clippers would be, forget his toothbrush when you just bought the new Sigma contour brush and he better not even think about moving all your soaps and lotions from Victoria Secret’s Semi-Annual Sale

Sex

Have all the sex you want with whoever you like. It ain’t cheating if you ain’t creeping. Facts.

Comfy in My Pj’s

When there is a constant man in your life, we women want to go to bed sexy and sleek every night. Boo! Single women have the freedom to jump into bed with their weaves unwrapped, natural do’s twisted and bonnets on our heads. Every night isn’t a lingerie night but when you’re single you can opt for zip-up pajamas with the feet on them. Doesn’t fleece just make you feel hot and sexy?

Around the World in More than 80 Days

I can’t stress this enough: TRAVEL. See the world through your own eyes so when (and a big IF for some people) that day comes you’ll be cultured which will ultimately keep you grounded. And I know, no one wants to go to a romantic getaway alone but where’s the fun in that? Romance does not need a man. Have a sexy night with yourself. Have so many frequent flier miles that even the air traffic controller knows who you are.

Remotely Controlling the Remote Control

What do married and involved couples fight over the most? It isn’t money. It’s the remote control. When you want to watch the newest episode of Scandal and he’s dying to watch the Superbowl, what are you going to do? Single women don’t have that problem. If you’re like me, you have to tune in every week to see if Jake ever defeats Poppa Pope, catch Sex & the City reruns on E! and binge-watch the Golden Girls which you own on DVD. Single women are watching single woman shows not hunting, sports or Kung-Fu nor are they giving up their Netflix password. If your male friend is ever over and tries to hold your remote hostage, remind him that every Thursday night after Scandal you do indeed watch “How to Get Away with Murder.”

Shop, Shop, Shop

Just a decade ago, women owned and operated over half a million business and there are more black women in college than any other group. Single or not we aren’t relying on men for our finances – we finance ourselves; when you work hard you deserve to ball hard. Every month buy yourself a new pair of sexy panties and once a year get yourself something huge like a new laptop or a pair of diamond earrings.

Neanderthal Woman

There’s no dire need to own a razor. Live natural. Be a wild woman! Braid your pubes!

Major Life Decisions

Are you thinking of switching career paths? Do you want to move across the country? The only person you have to consider and discuss it with is yourself.

Finding Yourself (forget Nemo)

As women, we aren’t taught to take time for ourselves but instead to build families and establish careers. However, what kind of wife can you be when you don’t know what kind of woman you are? What kind of mother can you be when you don’t even know if you want kids? Give yourself time to grow because you have the rest of your life to be married but to be young, beautiful and single, honey that only comes around once.

Photo Cred: Giphy.com, Essence.com