Best Thing You Never Had

Okay, well maybe you did “have” me but you don’t no more.

It all started in high school — siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Junior year I crossed a boy in the hallways and then we sat next to each other in History class. I thought he talked too much; handsome, but quite a chatterbox. Then, one day after lunch, I see him holding hands with this girl. She was cute. Simple. However, the hunting lioness in me saw competition determined to best – the best thing you never had.

I Wanted to be His E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

He added me on Facebook first. Then we exchanged numbers. I initiated conversations through text him. I asked questions about his relationship and plans after graduation. School started at 7:30 am and I would wake up early ya’ll to get cute just to walk past his ass. How could I forget the time I found out where he worked that I drove there after school; wrong site. Eventually, I got him. He wasn’t mine but he was there.

Oh, College…

It wasn’t until I moved into a single room dorm that we had our first encounter. It was actually in a car on dim street and it was the first time THEY said MY name. Kudos to Brittney! We started to make time for love sessions in between classes (he went to a different school). We discussed our feelings with each other and how it was always the wrong time: he was with somebody; I was with somebody. Although we both tried it was never right until…

He Asked Me Out!!!

Perfect timing! He’s single! I’m single! Let’s mingle! We planned to meet at the mall for a movie after his shift. At this time it is crucial to point out he also worked in the said mall. I got dressed, snatched, beat — all dat. “Where are you going?” my mother asked. “On a date! Yes, with a man!” Oh, she was so happy for me. I checked my phone one last time before grabbing my coat and I had a message that read: “hey I got off work early so I went home. Let’s reschedule.” Fuck you mean you meant home??? Devastated I lied and told him I was out-of-town when I wasn’t leaving for another 4. How could he?

Call me Mrs.Lawry cause I’m Salty

At this time in my life, I was still very emotional. Sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, and anger flooded me. It also killed my ego. While undressing I began to analyze the situation: the movie starts at 11; mall closes at 10; he got off early at 9. Why not go home, shower and come back, right? How come we couldn’t catch any earlier viewing to accommodate? Was work really that stressful today? Was I not worth the ride back to the mall? I commanded myself not to cry. Instead, I finished packing, laid in my bed, packed a bowl and streamed Nurse Jackie on Netflix.

The Aftermath

We didn’t speak for a long time after that because I couldn’t bring myself to engage. I still have fucking questions! Through mutual friends we would be in the same room talking around each other; it was stupid. He will always be a dear friend of mine; we have memories but it’ll never be the same. We hung out solo a couple times but it’s awkward now. Just this morning he hit me up on Messenger to ask if I were now involved which I am _____. To this day it continues to bother me and I’m not gonna lie — I cried after we finished talking. You folded on a Royal Flush.

#SorrynotSorry.

Photo cred: giphy.com

 

For The Next Time a Black Man says, “You’re Too Strong”

You Are Not “Too” Strong 

He is “too” weak – mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Dare I say financially? Fuck it.

He’s just all around broke. Broken.

Still trying to make sense of all his scattered shards that all he’s collected is doubt and pity. For the feeble man, you will always be “too” strong.

“All you women…All you [BLACK] women!”

Oh boy, here it comes! The moment we have all been waiting for! Blame the very existence of Black women for your trials and tribulations. Stop comparing yourself to the pale man who steals, kills and destroys. You aren’t him and I ain’t her.

How dare you slander her, Black man?! She who has remained steadfast and diligent as she watched this strange white man steal her children, kill her husband and destroy her virtue? She earned the right to be strong.

You say you want a hardworking strong woman but you do not! A woman who cooks and cleans; fulfills your sexual desires and works outside the home. You insecurities won’t allow you to love her.

You, sir — don’t cook, clean, pay taxes nor feed my appetite and yet I’m still here.

Technically you’re still here because this Sistah ain’t going nowhere.

[That’s my name on the mailbox, brother]

Yet you feel you should be rewarded for taking out the trash?

How are you comfortable pointing out my flaws and stressing your likes whilst lying on my couch; drinking my Scotch, watching my Netflix!

No; I will not chill!

You got clothes in my closet, my keys in your pocket, his half of my bed — but, hold up! “Lemme hold $20”, the man said. You work hard at running your mouth and the streets then walk through my doors talmbout, “what you got to eat?”

When a black man condemns a Black woman he disgraces Yah resulting in complete failure and disasters. Keep playing this white man’s game and your black ass gon lose.

Sit down. Be Humble.

By: Brittney Smith
Photo Cred: fromawildflower.com

Where Are You Now When I Need You??

Nightfall is always the most melancholic time of day. It’s when I think about you.

And I know that you think of me, too. But do I keep you up at night?

I sense you everywhere except inside – you’re nowhere in sight.

I can’t sleep and honestly, I’m not surprised

Without you alongside I hardly feel alive.

Distant peers have become parents – husband’s & wives.

Shit, I’m not asking for all that; just to forever be in each other’s lives

Too inexperienced to be tormented over a half-empty bed

and yet, far too rational for such clutter to be in my head.

See, I know that you love me – it’s already been laid out on the table.

No fable.

True story, my dear.

…but just what the f*ck am I supposed to do until you can come here

and be incessantly near?

(12:59 AM)

Photo Cred: giphy.com

10 Things I Want to Say to a Black Man

 

10 Things I Want to Say to a Black Man

  1. Black Man; You are the most ingenious individual to take presence in the realm of the universe. Take a minute to reflect on what type of world we would be living in had it not been for your theories to correct, develop, innovate, refine and transform the world. The leadership that ripples through your veins is the equivalent to many that came before you. For when I look at you I see the power of your thoughts through your eyes like Martin, I read the dominance in your conscious mind through your smile like Malcolm and I hear the charismatic melody of your words through your soul like Barack.
  2. You are my best friend. You accept me for my puzzled state of mind and concentrate on what makes me incomparable.
  3. I need you to comfort me at times when I don’t know what to do with myself or who I am supposed to be for you. I cherish your confirmation in which your mind, body and soul belong to me. For you to reassure me that at every step in our journey that you are legitimate and that your desire for me is undeniable.
  4. I recognize your battle in which you endure every day in society. However it does not justify your actions. Be able to take your animosity and turn it into something delicate. Being a man does not indicate that you cannot show compassion or makes you less of a person with authority. There is strength in your delivery and there is nothing further you can express to me that would ever make me see you as less than what you are.
  5. Protection is what you mean to me. When I’m alone and have nowhere else to go or no one to turn to – you are there to shield me from the dangers and harm of the outside world. In your arms is where I feel the most sheltered. The potency of your frame and the compassion in your hands gives me everything I need to know that I will be okay.
  6. I commit my body, my heart, my mind and my soul unto you. I give you my life and would be forever grateful if I could have just as much of yours.
  7. I welcome you into my life and will never try to make you more than you are. When are with me I want you to feel as if you can be yourself and never feel like you need to compromise the individual on the interior for the cliché messages of the exterior.
  8. When your body communicates with mine – it’s something like enchanting. The command of your hands, the forcefulness in your thighs and the stamina in your heart keeps the sexual desires between us like no other I’ve ever known. Not another being can deliver the pleasure you give. Your movements take me to a place of euphoria and with every plunge you take inside, I feel our souls intertwine and as I progress into the galaxy of us it is that exact moment in which we become one. As you release yourself into my chambers and place that final kiss across my lips, it is then that you realize that you are at home.
  9. Can you do something for me? Can you promise that you will stop running away from things that you find difficult to deal with? Can you promise that whenever you feel the need to express your thoughts – you will come to me? When things seem to fall apart, address them and examine how you can make the best of the situation. The only feature I ask you do is take responsibility for the actions you construct. When he grows up one day and inquires where you are and why you left, do not make me the antagonist. I can illustrate how to treat a woman but I can never demonstrate for him how to be a man.
  10. The day you looked at me and made your way over as if there was no one else in the room except the two of us and asked me for my name, there was something in your hello that made me catch my breath and take notice of this king before me. When you talked to me your eyes stayed fixed on mine, never wandering over my body but rather trying to find the story within the deep brown that reflected back into yours. After the first date, you walked me to my door in the rain and right before I turned to go inside you grazed my hand and in that touch I felt an electric current that shot bolts from my brain to the bottom of my feet. You put your arms around my waist, I stood on my toes and from the moment our lips first touched – I knew it was love.
Photo Cred:pinterest